When Leaving Hurts More Than Staying: A Survivor’s Guide to Understanding Abuse, Domestic Violence, Healing, and Hope

For a long time, I thought I was the only one. Abuse has a way of convincing you that you’re alone, that no one would believe you, that you somehow caused it, and worst of all — that you deserve it. That’s one of the most devastating truths about abuse: it doesn’t just bruise your body, it isolates your soul.

As both a therapist and a survivor, I know firsthand how confusing, shame-filled, and paralyzing it can feel to love someone who hurts you. I also know how frustrating and helpless it can be to watch someone you care about stay in a relationship that is destroying them. This is why conversations about domestic violence must be layered — filled with honesty, empathy, education, and most importantly, hope.

💔 What Abuse Really Looks Like (It’s Not Always What You Think)

When we hear “domestic violence,” we often picture physical violence — bruises, broken bones, or police reports. And while physical abuse is very real and very dangerous, abuse wears many faces. Often, it begins subtly: a partner checking your phone, questioning your friendships, deciding how you should dress, or slowly convincing you that you can’t make decisions on your own.

Abuse is never about love. It’s about power and control. It can be:

• Emotional/Psychological: Constant criticism, humiliation, gaslighting, or threats that chip away at your confidence.

• Financial: Controlling all money, forbidding you from working, or sabotaging your independence.

• Sexual: Coercion, manipulation, or assault without consent.

• Digital: Monitoring your devices, tracking your location, or using technology to control you.

Each of these can trap a survivor in a cycle of fear and dependency, making the idea of leaving feel impossible — even when staying is dangerous.

🌫️ The Isolation and Shame of Abuse

I can still remember the loneliness — not just the kind that comes from being cut off from people, but the deeper kind, the shame that whispers, “How did I let this happen?” or “Maybe this is all I deserve.”

Abuse thrives in silence. It convinces you that if you speak up, you’ll be judged or dismissed. That shame is part of the abuser’s power — and it’s why so many stay. The hardest part about leaving, for me, wasn’t just the fear of retaliation; it was the fear that once I left, I would be unlovable. I worried no one would want me as a partner, a friend, or even a family member once they knew what I’d been through.

It took time — and therapy — to unlearn those lies. Healing required rebuilding my sense of worth, reclaiming my voice, and learning that I was never the problem. And that’s the message I want every survivor to hold on to: You are not broken. You are not to blame. And you are absolutely worthy of love and safety.

🚩 Red Flags You Should Never Ignore

Whether you’re questioning your own relationship or worried about someone you love, knowing the warning signs is crucial. Abuse is often a slow progression, but certain patterns are strong indicators of danger:

• Extreme jealousy, possessiveness, or accusations of cheating

• Isolation from friends, family, or support systems

• Humiliation, belittling, or name-calling — especially in private

• Threats to harm you, themselves, or others if you leave

• Monitoring your movements, phone, or online activity

• Financial control or sabotaging your ability to work

• Blaming you for their actions or “making them angry”

These behaviors are not signs of passion or love — they’re signs of control.

🤝 How to Support Someone You Love

Loving someone who’s being abused is a heartbreaking, often frustrating experience. You might feel angry that they won’t leave or scared for their safety. It’s important to remember: leaving isn’t a single decision — it’s a process, and often the most dangerous time for a survivor is when they try to leave.

Here’s how to truly help:

• Listen without judgment. Phrases like “I’m here when you’re ready” are far more powerful than “You need to leave.”

• Believe them. Many survivors question their reality because of gaslighting. Your belief validates their experience.

• Offer resources, not ultimatums. Share hotline numbers, safety planning guides, or shelter information.

• Stay connected. Abuse isolates. Consistent check-ins can be a lifeline.

• Respect their timeline. Empowerment, not pressure, is the key to helping someone reclaim their agency.

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🛟 Creating a Safety Plan

If you or someone you know is preparing to leave, safety must come first. Planning can make a life-saving difference. Consider these steps:

• Identify a safe place. Know where you can go if you need to leave quickly.

• Prepare an emergency bag. Include clothes, medications, documents, spare keys, and cash.

• Secure important documents. Birth certificates, IDs, medical records, and bank information should be kept in a safe location.

• Establish a code word. This lets trusted friends or family know you’re in danger without alerting the abuser.

• Use technology cautiously. Change passwords, disable location sharing, and use devices the abuser cannot access.

• Contact support organizations. Shelters and advocacy centers offer legal, housing, and safety resources — often for free.

⚠️ If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

📞 Hotlines & Resources

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 — thehotline.org

• Love is Respect (for teens & young adults): 1-866-331-9474 — loveisrespect.org

• RAINN (Sexual Assault Hotline): 1-800-656-4673 — rainn.org

• StrongHearts Native Helpline: 1-844-762-8483 — strongheartshelpline.org

  
  

💛 Hope After Hurt

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means learning to trust again — in yourself, in others, and in a future that is no longer defined by pain. It means building a life that is safe, peaceful, and joyful.

Therapy was a crucial part of my healing. It helped me untangle the shame, face the fear, and understand that I wasn’t unworthy — I was untouched by their cruelty in my worth. You can get there too. And if you’re someone who loves a survivor, know that your patience, support, and unwavering belief in their strength might be what helps them find their way home to themselves.

You — or the person you love — are not alone. Help is out there. Healing is possible. And a life free from abuse is not just a dream — it’s a right.

✍🏽 Author’s Note

This blog was written by a licensed professional counselor and survivor of domestic abuse. Healing was a game changer— it even inspired a new purpose. It was the motivation to obtain my masters to become a licensed therapist to share the same support that once saved me. No matter how dark it feels, hope, love, and light are always within reach. Keep moving forward. My work is dedicated to walking alongside survivors on their journey toward healing — and to educating loved ones on how to provide support with compassion and understanding. Whether you’re finding the strength to leave, learning how to heal, or trying to help someone you care about, know this: you are not alone. Healing is not only possible — it’s your right.

A red heart with a visible crack is mended with a band-aid, symbolizing the journey of healing and the resilience of the human spirit.